Subscribe Feed (RSS)Self-Leadership While Dealing With Renagade Cancer Cells/ A Personal Story Of Creative Visualization
June 24th, 2008 by admin | No Comments | Filed in UncategorizedIt is with deep appreciation to Dick Schwartz for his development of the Internal Family Systems model that I submit this article. I will briefly outline the basic tenants of the IFS model. First and foremost is his belief that every human being has an essential Self that knows how to guide the individual with compassionate wisdom when not overwhelmed by parts that manifest as conflicting thoughts, beliefs and feelings that may evoke feelings of vulnerability and internal turmoil. Dr. Schwartz speaks of three general groups.
Managers, (roles) that run our everyday lives, these parts endeavor to keep the individual in control of every situation and relationship to “save face” so to speak. Firefighters, these parts take over when vulnerable feelings threaten to surface or to flood the individual with feelings. Common firefighter behaviors can be over-eating or drinking, defenses such as dissociation or hurting oneself, any reaction or behavior that attempts to calm down internal feelings. Exiles, vulnerable parts or old wounds that are trying to protect themselves and/or the entire self-system from further wounding such as being seen as weak or needy.
As synchronicity would have it, I was in the middle of the Seattle IFS advanced training (2003-2004) program when diagnosed with breast cancer. The diagnosis was scary enough but nothing compared to the terrifying recommendations of a lumpectomy, a mastectomy followed by chemotherapy treatments. These treatments are administered via a port that would be surgically inserted under the skin in my chest topped off by a seven week daily course of radiation. It seemed at first, that nothing in my spiritual experience prepared me for this ominous journey. Moreover, childhood parts that had been physically and sexually abused were threatening to overwhelm my entire system just thinking about the protracted treatment process.
The exiled parts (wounded parts) that experienced the early abuse have had many opportunities over the years to unburden via telling their stories, retrieving parts through psychodrama and being witnessed. These parts, for the most part, have developed a trusting and cooperative relationship with the overall internal family system. Because my self system no longer experiences flash backs, intrusive thoughts of the early abuse, dissociative episodes, unwarranted shame and guilt or continuously drain emotional energy from me, I was unprepared for the force with which an exile part or parts threatened to overwhelm the Self and other parts by situations that approximated earlier feeling states.
For example, as a very young child, I was often locked in a tiny room for long periods of time, which frequently culminated in physical abuse. So, when I underwent a type of nuclear bone scan (how scary does that sound) floods of familiar anxiety and fear came over me. I was placed into a tube-like machine and was physically restrained unable to move my body or arms. I could feel the panic rise in my throat. Instead of dissociating, as I would have done in the past, I began to cry. The technician actually stopped the machine and asked why I was crying (this whole episode happened in about 30 seconds). I KNEW that he could not comfort me and that it was up to me to calm myself down. I thanked him for his concern and asked him to please give me a minute. I was able to gently remind the terrified parts of my current age, to reassure them that I was strong, tall (just kidding) and able to attend to them. I could feel the warmth begin to pour through me as parts slowly started to relax with assurance that they were safe and not alone.
In the past these exile parts would have been polarized with managing parts that would aggressively restrict all feelings and body sensations believing them to be dangerous to the entire system. Moreover, I felt disgusted with these parts for being weak and acting stupid or for needing anything. As a result, I have struggled with several reactive and addictive firefighting parts. While manager parts would constrict feelings, thoughts, and physical sensations, firefighter parts would defend the internal system by dissociating. Consequently, every single experience that I have “gotten through” by restricting myself or dissociating has ultimately resulted in feelings of shame and guilt for the inability to act vs. react. By restricting myself so tightly, I was unable to respond to a new situation from a position of creativity or spontaneity. Who would have thought that a scary bone scan procedure that elicited tears would ultimately leave me with feelings of satisfaction and well being? I understood at a deep level that as long as my internal family system is working together we are a unifying force that can deal with life on life’s terms.
What a tribute to the IFS model that throughout the long treatment process, concurrent with tremendous feelings of fear, I was simultaneously blessed with a type of “inner knowingness”. While I very much wanted to live, it would be ok if I did not continue to live. I KNEW that a much larger connectedness prevailed. At times, I had profound feelings of gratitude, clarity and compassion for everyone around me. It was as if I fell in love with all of them, including strangers, as I watched both their personal struggles and their endeavors to support me through my process.
The following is another example of how Self intervened with a compassionate and creative solution to fears of the impending chemotherapy treatments. Scared parts wondered how to incorporate the recommended visualization without “blowing up” the “evil” cancer cells. Guidance came in the form of a dream the evening before the first treatment.
THE DREAM
She began her journey to the hospital as she climbed into the small car. She was startled to see hundreds of starfish-like creatures. They displayed exquisitely vivid multi colors. They were friendly, cheerful and fun albeit noisy as they were all trying to communicate at once, each wanting her to know them. The woman felt overwhelming compassion for these odd, beautiful little creatures. They made her laugh. She beseeched the driver not to move the car until she could get the little ones to depart. They were everywhere. They were on the seats, under the seats, in the glove compartment, hanging on the doors both inside and outside of the car. They were even under the tires. They had not a clue of their impending danger. They would be smashed to bits if the driver moved the car. The woman felt deeply connected to these curious little creatures and intuitively knew that they meant no harm. They were simply and totally self-absorbed in the maintenance of their own life force. The woman awoke feeling strong and refreshed.
When I awoke, I pondered the nature of cells and recalled reading somewhere that cells are the building blocks of the body. In fact there are some 50 trillion, give or take, a million here and there. Inherent in the life of a cell is an intricate process known as cell division. It is somewhere within the cycle of cell division that a cancer cell runs riot. The precise precipitation of a breast cancer cell (always present in the body) to proceed to both MUTATION and INVASION of neighboring cells remains a mystery to be solved by the medical/scientific profession. All possible heretofore explanations aside, we now have a cell with a behavioral problem. A cell that does not play well with others, in fact, mutating into a type of aggressive gang member mentality that rapidly MUTATES and CLONES itself into more gang members Their adventures eventually lead to invasion of neighboring turfs.
Part of this “gang” mentality is to ignore all of the normal, agreed upon social rules which govern their old communities of cells. They totally disregard cooperation and how a “community” should be formed and maintained for the highest good of the entire system. They do not understand the impact of their choices on neighboring cells. Dr. Lewis Thomas says that “Disease usually results from inconclusive negotiations for symbiosis, an overstepping of the line by one side or the other, a biologic misinterpretation of borders”. (pg. 76. The Lives of a Cell). I was struck by the similarities of the invading cancer cells and some of the impulsive and often frantic nature of firefighter parts when they reach their reactive and destructive states.
At the hospital the next day, as the nurse prepared to administer the medication through the catheter-type device, I visualized angels standing just to the right of me. They were holding large soft nets made of silk. I explained to the beautiful starfish like creatures that they were in great danger of being killed by incoming chemicals and they had to leave my body at once. I would mentally show them the way out of my body into the loving arms of awaiting angels.
Dawn Novotny LMSW, MTS, CDP, is a breast cancer survivor. She is a psychotherapist in private practice. She specializes in groups and workshops using a combination of Internal Family Systems therapy and psychodrama techniques. Central to her work is the belief that “The soul among all creatures is generative like God is.” Meister Eckhart. 6/15/2006. E-mail address july4@tenforward.com
Internal Family Systems Therapy. Dr. Richard C. Schwartz Ph.D
The Lives of a Cell. Dr. Lewis Thomas MD
Dawn D. Novotny LMSW, MTS, CDP
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Tags: breast cancer, chemotherapy, mastectomy
